| Saturday, May 27th, 2006 |
| 10:43 pm |
life is fucked
I am starting to get really frustrated with my friends assuming they know what is going on in my head and what I want to talk about. There are a few friends that I am trying to get to sit down and talk to and they all assume they know why. There is only one person in my life right now that really knwos what is going on in my head because she actually talks to me. Right now I am ahving some issues with guilt about two of the guys that have been in my life. One person I want to talk to because they know one of the guys and can give me a third party perspective on it. One person I want to talk to because they know the situation with one of the other guys and can help me because of that. The other person I want to talk to because he has and is going through some similar stuff and I was thinking he may be able to help. Instead he assumes I want to talk about other things and wont talk to me. I know what is going on there and have told him a number of times that I understand and have no problems with that. I can only guess that because it is bery obvious that I have started to care about him, cause I do that anyway and he is for the most part a wonderful person. that he thinks I am going to or am trying to pus for something more when I am not. If that is what I wanted I would have said it much before this. I guess I was just hoping that I could actually find friends that are willing to help me to. I try my best to be there for the people I care about. I also try to keep my problems to myself since all fo my friends have enough of their own issues to deal with. But there are occasions when I need a little support or help to make it through and it wouild be nice to have the ability to ask a freind to talk and not have them assume they know what it is all about. There is a guy in my life, JUST A FRIEND, whose company I honestly enjoy no matter what we are doing. Soneone who I feel I can trust and I would like to get to know better. Someone who I am starting to care about as a person. The fact that I feel that about a man scares me enough as it is but on top of that it is bringing out feelings of guilt. A small part of the guilt is because of my roomate I used to be involved with. I feel almost like I am abandoning him because I have given up on our friendship since it is abvious he wants nothing more to do with me than to use and control me. The bigger part of the guilt is because of my ex. I loved him, part of me always will. He has made it fairly clear that he does not want me as part of his life right now since I have not heard from him in about a month. Unfortunately I still feel guilty for enjoying the company of another man, even just as friends. I thought I had accepted the fact that he does not want me in his life but I guess I was wrong. I still care a lot about him and I am having a hart time getting over him. I have a friend who would understand what I am going through. Someone who understands not only how hard it is to get over someone but also the other parts of my issues. I was hoping to be able to tell him about some, if not all, of this so I could explain why I react the way I do and get some advice about how to deal. While trying to accomplish this I managed to piss him off I think and potentially ruin a friendship I would like to make stronger. I hope I did not make him to mad and ruin anything. I guess I will have to wait and see. Current Mood:  frustrated |
| Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 |
| 9:45 am |
why
it is days like today that makes me want to ask why me? when will i be able to control my heart and my feelings so that i do not keep getting into these situations? i know that i have been attracted to him since the day i met him. i also "knew" for a while that he had no interest in me so it did not matter. he did not return any of my flirting so i just left it as a game with him. then i find out that he is attracted to me and the reason he did not return the flirting was because he was with someone. now i am growing to care for him more and more each day and i know that i do not stand a chance. he made it clear after the night we spent together he told me that he is having issues with his break up with his ex so that will not happen for a long time. after that i find out that he slept with someone else. i talked to him about it and i understand what happened and why and that it has nothing to do with me but that does not help the feelings of rejection. it does not stop me feeling like i would be able to have him if i was more of a slut like her. it does not make me care about him any less nor does it make me hurt any less about the fact that even though he is what i want right now i can not have him. i have no problems with just being friends with him. i just wish i had the balls to ask the question that i really need answered right now. part of the reason i do not want to ask the question is i am afraid of what the answer might be. i am afraid to ask him if i will ever stand a chance with him because i am afraid that the answer is either going to be no which it is obvious i do not want or the answer is going to be i do not know which leaves me in the same situation as having never asked. i am not sure how well i will be able to handle either answer. i just feel like i am stuck where i am and will never be able to get anywhere with my life. at least if i do not ask the question i can just say that i did not ask it so i can not expect a response to it. but if i do ask it and am rejected then what? what if he gets defensive once i ask thinking i am going to push the issue and try to change his mind? what if he pulls away then and i loose a good friend because i am attracted to him and he does not feel the same way? what if all he has ever and will ever want from me is to be a friend and occasionally have sex and gets mad that i am starting to get attached? and on the flip side, what if he tells me he feels the same way and we start to date and i hurt him like his ex has? or what if we date and figure out that i am not good enough for him and was just a waste of his time? or what if we start to date and his ex decides she made a mistake and wants to try again and he does not feel like he can because he is with me and misses out on a chance for true love or ends up resenting me for it? all of this is going through my head at the same time and this is why i do not go after what i want. that is why i end up stepping back and letting people get back together with their ex's or end up setting them up with someone new and tear my own heart out over and over again. the few times i have gone after what i want i end up getting rejected so i have given up trying. some day i may find happiness but in the mean time i do all i can to make everyone else happy and loose my chance at any kind. i have found a great guy who i enjoy hanging out with, who shares a lot of the same interests as me, who likes me for who i am, who at least somewhat thinks i look nice, and who treats me so good and i am to much of a chicken shit to even consider making a move on. with my luck i will have missed the window of oppertunity and he will soon end up with another girl that he will treat so good and will treat him like shit and hurt him again. once it has happened once i will stand no chance of getting him. oh well, i guess i will figure it all out at some point and hopefully it will all work out for the best. Current Mood:  confused |
| Monday, May 8th, 2006 |
| 9:23 pm |
all smiles
it is such a good feeling to know that i have the potential of being really happy. it is so good to know that i have friends that are willing to deal with problems with me and be completely honest no matter how they think i will react. it is so nice to know that they will tell me anything. i may have the chance of even being with someone who is a real man. it will not happen right away but i can be patient and i am loving the friendship right now. we had our first real fight today and the fact that he was willing to talk to me about the problem RIGHT away was wonderful. the fact that he was completely honest with me was also great. it has made me relax so much more than i have been able to in a very long time. he made me feel like i can really be me without having to worry about what he will think or how he will react. i do not like putting friendships at risk but i also need to put me first and the fact that i can put me first without putting our friendship at risk is wonderful. i really can come back from this break down and be me again and that is wonderful. Current Mood:  happy |
| Monday, September 19th, 2005 |
| 8:45 am |
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| Friday, September 16th, 2005 |
| 11:11 am |
so now i am thoroughly confused as to what to do. i spent many hours with someone that i want to at some point rebuild a freindship with but at this point i am not sure what to do about all of it right now. i know that there is a big part of mw still cares about him and wishes that the friendship that we once had could be rebuilt. the other part of me knows that the most likely reason for him talking to me againis the fact that he does not have a girlfriend right now and he thinks that things would be just the way they used to be if he can convince me to go back out with him. the only thing that i know for certain is that i will never go back out with him. i can not go back to that. i can not put myself through that again. the one big problem that i am running into right now is the fact that i know that he is going through a really rough time for the next couple of weeks and i want to be there for him. at the same tome i don't wamt to give him the impression that he can win me back nor do i want to cause problems with eugene because i am spending time with him. i know that he reason eugene does not like me spending time with him is because of what it happens to me most of the time when i spend time with him. now eugene is up and i am sure that he is mad at me for having hung out with him last night. i am confused as to where to go from here. i am not sure if i will ever be able to be friends with the both of them without it causeing problems in my life. i really do not want to have to choose between the two of them. it would not be a hard choice but i do not want to be put in that situation. all eugene has to do is say the word and i will only talk to him when i run across him at various places but i do not want to be put in that situation. i just wish i could try to be friends with him and not have it cause problems with other people. |
| Tuesday, September 6th, 2005 |
| 8:25 am |
a day to remember
this is a day for everyone to mark down on your caladers. I CAME HOME FROM WORK HAPPY!!!!! mondays are one of my most stressful days at work especially when i work alone (which I did) because i have to deal with the new releases as well as my frieght. last night i even had to make sure that all of the new releases were done because the person that usually comes in on tuesday mornings to finish them for me is on vacation today. but for the first time i think ever i did not let the fact that i could not get everything in the department done, that should take at least two people, done before i left get me stressed out at all. now i just need to figure out how i managed that and implement that more often not only at work but also at home. well it is time for me to go to bed. nite all Current Mood: ecstatic |
| Wednesday, August 24th, 2005 |
| 8:33 am |
I am not sure how this fits me. what do you think? ( Read more... ) |
| Tuesday, August 16th, 2005 |
| 7:42 pm |
Thsi is it. I am going to give up and give in at the same time. It is time for me to become a nun or something. There is no ohter option at this point. Oh well such is life i guess. |
| Monday, August 15th, 2005 |
| 9:24 am |
Yet Again
For some reason this always happens to me. I realized this moring that I am currently interested in three people at the moment and none of them are interested in me. They are all people I see on a regular basis and so are the people they are interested in. I have a tendency to get very jealous when I watch people I am interested in doing things with people other than me. Appaerently this is something I need to figure out how to change this or else I will go insane and or just give up on life. If any of you have any thoughts on how to do this please let me kmow. I really would like the input and at this point need it. By the way: removing myself from the situation is not a possability seeing as though it is quite possible that the other people who live here would loose thier house as well if I do since the lease is only in my name. Current Mood: confusedCurrent Music: Aladdin sound track |
| Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005 |
| 5:06 am |
I stole this from keeblerx Reply to this posting with three questions (ask anything and make it interesting!) or leave it, as you like, i care not *sniffle* Then, if you want to, type this into your journal, allowing your friends (including me) to ask you anything. But only if you're really bored. |
| Monday, July 25th, 2005 |
| 4:27 am |
Red Roses for the Devil's Whore |
| Sunday, July 17th, 2005 |
| 9:51 pm |
Nothing Personal
This is to anyone who may see me or hang around me in the next couple of weeks: If I get grumpy with you, it is nothing personal.....it is just this little thing called withdrawal. I will do my best to recognize when I start to get cranky and do something about it but I would appreciate it if you guys would give me a small amout of leniency for the couple of weeks it will take to get the nicotene out of my system. Current Mood: complacentCurrent Music: Black as the Devil Painteth-Theater of Tragedy |
| Saturday, July 16th, 2005 |
| 3:26 am |
There is at least one person on our livejournal lists that we want to have sex with. So lets play the "Gettin' laid " game. The rules are simple...if you want to have sex with the person who posts this, reply to them with "You're gettin' laid." The twist is you HAVE to re-post this and see who replies to your post... |
| Monday, July 11th, 2005 |
| 1:30 am |
I love having plans fall through two weeks in a row. oh well....perhaps third time is a charm, or perhaps it will never happen and I am just diluting myself when I think that it will. I guess I just have to wait until next week and see. Current Mood: frustrated |
| Sunday, July 10th, 2005 |
| 7:57 pm |
Still confused
I am so confused. Feel free to read this rant and give me your oppinion. ( Read more... )I thought I was past all of this but I guess I am not. Back to the think taknk to figure some more things out. Current Mood: confused |
| 2:16 am |
Now to make a decistion.
I am slightly interested in a particualar person and have decided to hang out with him after work one day. The next thing I know, this fist day we are hanging out, he is saying we are dating. I have not yet decided whether or not i want to get involved with him and he seems to think we are dating. I would love to hang out with him more. Other than that I have no idea and now I opparently have to decide immediatle as to whether or not I am going to be involved with him or just friends. I do not like feeling forced into a decision by anyone. At least I have approximately a week to think this over and decide exactly what it is I want and what I am going to do about it. The one thing I know better than anything else is that this decision is going to be based soley on what I want and what I need rather than what the other people involved may want ot need. I need to start thinking about me and doing what I need to for me instead of what I think other people want of me. I have finally figured out that I am a solid person and not just a piece of clay to be molded to what every one else thinks I want or what they want me to be. I have finally started to grow a solid back bone and it is time for me to use it. Unfortunately I have no idea what it is I want or need right now. That is going to be the hard part. I think that I may turn him down, dating and all, no matter what it is I decide I want but I do need to determine what it is I want before I end up in this situation again. Current Mood: confused |
| Sunday, July 3rd, 2005 |
| 8:10 am |
yet another new job
i am officially working and walmart and am officially not working at jay's any more. as of today that is. i am very excited. i will be working 40 hours a week in the overnight electronics in the henrietta store. anyone who wants to can come see me while i am working. the store is a 24 hour store as of the 7th of this month. i do not think i have been this happy about something in quite some time. i am going to go to club tonight to celebrate by having not only freed myself of jay's (at least for now) but also being able to ensare two of my roomates in the trap that is working there before i left. have fun all and remember live each day like it were your last and enjoy every moment. you never know what you may find when you let go and just enjoy. Current Mood: cheerfulCurrent Music: break away--kelly clarkson |
| Saturday, June 25th, 2005 |
| 4:20 pm |
Oh Well
I spend so much time trying to get my shit straight and make people happy and all I get for it is chastized for my dicissions and then slapped in the face about how little I actually mean to people. I do understand that alot of this has to do with the fact that I am pmsing so I am exponentially overemotional and my feeling have a tendency to lie but they are my feelings none the less. I wish I could not feel like I am around because what or whom they want is not as excessable. I know that people do care about me. I know that I mean something to someone. It is just hard for me to see sometimes. I am a good person. I am determined, responsible, and can get anything done when I set my mind to it. I just feel like when I do what I need to in order to get done what needs to be done I piss someone off and I loose yet another friend. If I keep up at this rate I will only have two friends left. The only people who will stick around will be Eugene and Chris. I am not sure why but they will, no matter how much I piss them off. I just wish I could make them happy for once. I just wish that, just once, they would be proud of me for something I did or be happy for me for making my life better. I am not sure how to do this. Just in case you care, I am going for a new job. A job that is equally as accessable as my current job and makes more money with benefits. I will give more details if I actually do get the job. It is just that I already know their responses, probably everyones responses, I should just stay in the job that I have because it is stable and I am comfortable there. I am not planning on leaving Jay's yet. I am just going to go down to part time there and work full time at the other job so I can get benefits. Oh well. I am done boring you for now. much more to come (I hope). Current Mood: confused |
| Friday, April 8th, 2005 |
| 9:13 am |
Knowing damb well the feeling is not returned, WHY DO I STILL CARE ABOUT, and for, OTHERS?!? |
| Friday, March 25th, 2005 |
| 9:16 pm |
every time people are around me they are upset or even mad at someone else. this is why i have decided to just hide in my room. this way i can not cause anyone else to be pissy with people. if you really want to find me that is where i will be unless forced out by someone else against my will. Current Mood:  discontent |
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